Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Oscars 2014

Well my loyal followers - and by that I mean of course my mother in law and sisters in law! Here is the post you've all been waiting for! I came down with the plague right after the show aired and put off this post all week while I self medicated with copious amounts of diet coke and alka seltzer. Now that Im out of the haze and can fully express myself...I present to you my deep thoughts on shallow topics:

If you see this picture of Anna Kendrick and immediately start hearing her sing "the cup song" - well, you are not alone. In fact as I type these words I am doing it to the rhythm of "I bought a ticket to the long way round....". But instead of singing "cups" what I actually want to do is put a ginormous cup over her entire body. And hide this hideous beaded mesh-topped mess from my sight. It's 3 different dresses all sewed into one. And while I have a deep respect for recycling....(like, cans and cardboard and crap.) I am NOT a fan of stealing a vampire top from 2006, beading it in 1999, and finishing it off with grandmas crepe nightgown circa 1974. And her matching purse made me throw up a little. 

Angelina was another unfortunate victim of bad fashion. This dress is beautiful - in a sort of cliche "great gatsby" kind of way. And it gets a thumbs up for its modest-ish-ness. But why it fails, is simply because if anyone in the world is as freakishly skinny as Angelina is - and yet somehow manages to look BIG? Well then, thats a bad dress. Her makeup was gorgeous and Im pleased she didnt go all "flapper" on us and try finger wave her hair. I just cant quite solve the mystery of where her ginormous boobs end - and where her hips begin! This dress is like a sparkly tube sock - with a thread pulled tight in the middle. Somethin just aint right. 

Hello my name is Amy Adams, and Ill be your flight attendant today. If any of you would like to fall asleep immediately at the sight of my boring navy blue dress with its smart flap pockets, just push your call light overhead. Also, Ill be serving small snacks and beverages in a few moments, which you will need to choke down before I blind you with my pale vampire skin, which I have so kindly not spray tanned for you. We are expecting a large amount of turbulence on this route, which is why I tightly slicked my hair down into this very reasonable school teacher do. Thanks for choosing my flight, make sure to get a kiss from my coral lipstick as you de-board the plane! It looks awesome next to my homemade earrings that have absolutely nothing to do with anything else Im wearing! 

 Meryl Streep looks perfect! Age appropriate, modest, formal but not frilly, styled but not desperate for attention - and overall If I were Meryl Streep this is exactly what I would have worn! (Also If I were Meryl Streep I wouldnt be here blogging....Id be in my mansion playing chess with my 900 oscars)

I looked out my window and what did I see???
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree! Spring has brought me such a nice surprise....
Cate Blanchett gouging out my innocent eyes....

Ok so its not THAT bad. But the reason I am verbal vomiting all over her is because of her acceptance speech. How did I hate it? Let me count the ways..... If I ever win an Oscar and get too drunk to be in my seat before my category gets called  please check me into rehab. And if perchance I do make it to the microphone after hitting the bar and I open my mouth and the words "SUCK IT" tumble out....please know its just the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol talking. Then again, If I have to stand up and thank a pedophile for casting me in the role that won me the Oscar in the first place- Id probably have to get drunk to do it too. Ill cut you some slack this time Cate....just this once. 

This is Jennifer Lawrence. She is looking contemplatively into her future, wondering if her terrible wind blown dog hair will ever grow out. It will Jen. It will. But until then, please stop sticking your head out the limousine window on your way to awards shows. I know there are a limited number of ways to style hair that is only 2 inches long...but remember that you have hired and paid 5 different people to do that for you. But on a side-note -I LOVE her red dress with the Peplum!

So many things I love in this picture, where to begin? Sandra's hair - perfection! Her makeup - flawless! Her dress - magnificent! Her jewelry - enchanting! She NAILED it! Im shocked really, considering the color blocked nightmare that was the golden globes. I love a divorcee coming out victor! Take that Jesse James, you disgusting fraction of a man! Id nominate her for an Oscar every single year just to stick it to him. (But Im slightly bitter of course.). 

Julia Julia Julia. Uh, this is awkward - but I uh, think your skirt extender is showing. No wait - Maybe its just that your dress is inside out? No? hmm....
OH I SEE... the lace is SUPPOSED to be showing. Awkwardly. Everywhere. 
I hate this dress. It looks like Morticia from the adams family bought and purchased 
'gingeraffe barbie' and dressed her up. 

 Lupita! The little darling! I was so nervous watching her move around in this dress. The fact that she is my boob-twin only made me hate her ill-fitting dress even more. Literally every time she lifted an arm I was afraid of a rib slip. (Thats right - a RIB.) Normally with Hollywood I always fear the twins making an appearance- but not when you are dealing with a 10 year old boys body. (I should know.) Her speech was adorable and left not a dry eye in the joint. But I didnt love this grecian gown on her. I love that she paired the ice blue with gold jewelry- and bless her heart that she TRIED to do something with her hair - even if she stole the head band off of a baby on her way out the door.

And next up we have my so-called-boyfriend Jared Leto. He won his so-called-oscar for playing a so-called-transvestite. I was a little disappointed that he didnt rock the man-bun, but his hair looked a lot better than some of the ladies I saw (ahem naomi watts and Jessica Biel). I was really proud of Mr. Leto who, after not making a film in 6 years came out of hiding to grace our screens as this beauty:

I of course didnt get to see Dallas Buyers Club (just reading the parental advisory on IMDB made me feel like I needed vaccinated)- so I have no idea if he deserved the Oscar or not. But any man that starves himself into hot pink pantyhose is a winner in my book. * Also, as a mildly inappropriate side-note, I am wondering how I go about submitting his name as a possible Jesus for the temple movies??? Im just saying I might up my attendance a little if, you know... he was in it.  

My favorite thing Anne Hathaway did this year was keep quiet :)
Ok, that was mean. She's beautiful and I use her as THE example of how to do short hair right. And I quite like her dress - especially with its breastplate of righteousness shining in the night. A far leap in the better direction after last year's prada mishap. Anne is one of the few girls who can pull of the halter dress. She is so elegant and sophiscated. 
(Just as long as she isnt speaking. or dancing. Or hosting.) Sorry. 

Looks like Portia de Rossi rode with Jennifer Lawrence to the Oscars this year. Wowza. That's some bad hair! Her body is AMAZING though - which you can nearly see 100% of through her awkwardly crocheted dress. 
Also I am afraid that this woman may not be physically capable of blinking. Ever again. 
Seeing Portia in this condition was so shocking - I think I gasped out loud. She has the body of a 20 year old, and the head of an 80 year old. Why she chopped off her gorgeous blonde hair (her one beauty!) is beyond me. It aged her about a thousand years. She literally looks like an old lady that escaped from a nursing home and grabbed the afghan off the couch on her way out.

Despite her bad hair - Naomi Watts WINS hands down-  my favorite look of the night. Oh my word - I LOVE her dress. Look at her tiny sculpted shoulders! Just enough modern flare of architecture on this bright star-white dress to make it an instant classic! Her jewelry is worth stealing, and if I don't immediately find and purchase that small black and white clutch (which I am sure is housing her cranberry tart lip stain that I also must find...) Im going to go into a deep dark purse-less depression. (who are we kidding - I totally already live there!) I just absolutely LOVE everything about her! If she was a cake topper I would almost get married AGAIN just to marvel at her perfection!

Another one of my favorites list - Is Mrs. Harrison Ford aka Calista Flockhart.
Im a sucker for the white dresses with sleeves, what can I say??
But what really captured me were her size of the moon round Emerald earrings! I must locate a knock off pair immediately. I will add them to my list.

 Excuse me, you're snoring. 
No, wait. That was me. Looking at Jessica Biel. 

This dress is human melatonin. Its practically putting me into a coma its so drab and depressing. 
Its hard to tell where the gray stops and her white skin starts. Take a peek at the bottom hem - what the??? Also, was she trying to curl her hair - but ran out of time? Because I sport this same half-fixed hair situation on Sundays in church at 9 am after my kids were up all night. I sort of curl a few in the front - to give it an illusion of done-ness. But its actually a mess. Also, I just have to say, if you are going to wear clothes THIS boring, you better make up for it with a charming witty personality. Or at least a pop of bright lipstick. Neither of which Jessica 
bothered with apparently. If you think Im wrong....try to name just ONE movie that Jessica Biel was in.  Anyone? Anyone?

Penelope Cruz and her bridesmaid dress from India is among the worst looks of the night. This pink blush color is sincerely disgusting. And that hideous black karate belt bow under her bust-line makes everything even worse. I take it there is no mirror in her ugly box purse or surely she would have darkened up her barely there lips a bit. Its really really bad. And the worst part of all is that she used the "magic bun hair shaper" to roll her gorgeous hair into this unfortunate cinnamon roll. How did this fiery hot latina end up drenched in mary kay pink??? Its bad colors and bad styling combined. 

Goldie Hawn. Just looking at her makes me snicker. She was a presenter at the Oscars and she flounced out to the microphone in her dynasty nightgown all full of crazy. It was clear that she had lost some things backstage....her train of thought....her dignity.
Why does her hair always look like she just rock n rolled back stage? Like it had static clung to the red curtain? Goldie is a charmer, even though she's never quite really sure what's so funny...

I could go on and on.  A shout out to the stunning pregnant ladies Olivia Wilde and Kerry Washington who both looked GORGEOUS.

And Jennifer Garner - its ok, you can try again next year. How does someone so naturally beautiful have a total lack of awareness about dressing beautifully? One of life's great conundrums....
Did you see her platform peep toe wedges peeking out under her fringe? yeah.... my money is on Seraphina Affleck for choosing those.

And lastly, Kristen Chenowith. The big giant goldfish without any hair. 

So that about wraps it up for me friends. Who did you love? More importantly who did you hate?! How did you feel about Ellen hosting? What was your favorite part of the night? Did you also scream out loud in pain during the end of Idina Menzel's song Let it go??? 

Until next year....

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Golden Globes 2014 - Saying what youre thinking


I know you were all thinking the same thing about these people's fashion. Im just the girl willing to say it. More than willing! Because for petes sake with a dietician, personal trainer, high end stylist, and "team" of minions dedicated to ensuring this persons success in their industry - I find it hard to believe famous people can ever look BAD. But they DO! BAD! And I guess Miley Cyrus proves that point every. single. day. But still. 

1. Hayden Panettiere

I dont know who is responsible for making this girl famous....or who was guilty for fixing her wax mullet. Both parties should be executed. This color-blocking nightmare of a dress with 90s halter neckline was of course only complete with granny's brooch choking her neck. In fact some poor elderly lady is crawling around the bathroom floor right now looking for her HUGE pearl bomb earrings she dropped. Dont worry Hayden has em. Her red carpet interview was also the most awkward 20 seconds of my life and everything about her screams "total desperation" to me. But thats just me. Maybe you like her she-manness. 

2. Paula Patton

Yet another celebrity that *might* also be a man. Or an alien. Her spacesuit dress is definitely not my favorite and by that I mean I would rather be personally abducted than be food-savered into this in public. He/She obviously has a great figure - but who can tell with her security blanket stapled to her shoulder? I guess the Globes were too scary to brave without it. I hope she slept well after humiliating herself on live TV for 3 straight hours. Maybe someday hubby Robin Thicke will write her a song to dull the memory of this dress....it will probably make my ears bleed to listen to it. Like all his other music. 

3. Zoe Seldana

Do not adjust your monitor...you are actually seeing what Im seeing. Its a slip! Its a dress! Its a crazy geisha costume! Zoe zoe zoe. Such a mess. All night long I wanted to reach through my tv and just yank those straps up! Im baffled by her pony tale, coral lips, and hello kitty purse almost as much as her presence at this event.  

4. Julia Roberts

Was this her attempt at Audrey Hepburn? Epic fail. I do give her an A+ for modesty but the awkwardness that is the white shirt tucked into strapless dress coupled with weird white belt - got a big fat F. She's so uniquely gorgeous and this sad get up did her NO favors. And why WHY does she have a hair helmet??? Look at her ears! She couldn't hear a thing all night! Maybe she didn't hear her stylists when they mentioned this dress was too closely mimicking her nearly dead career....

5. Sandra Bullock

There are only 2 things that I hate about this dress:

1. That it has baby blue AND baby pink on it simultaneously.... and
2. That Sandra Bullock has it on. 

I LOVE Sandra. Her styling and makeup and heels are FLAWLESS! But why this awkward satin mess with too high waist and too short hem??? I dont understand the colors. Is this dress in German? Because I know Sandy speaks German! Maybe Im not European enough to "get this" dress! She does however get 3 loud cheers for not falling victim to the hollywood implants, which her plunging neckline so graciously allows us to observe. 

6. Amy Adams

I call this look "when Pinterest goes whorribly wrong"
For starters we have her dress that was upcycled from Farrah Fawcett's chiffon prom gown from 1979. All she did was remove the top entirely and replace it with her neck scarf, which she simply cut into 2 triangles. Clever girl! 

And then her hair. 

I know I've seen the tutorial somewhere.....
Braid hair into 14 small snakes, coil into a princess leia mass on back of head. 
Nailed it!

7. Gwyneth Paltrow

What hippie commune did you wander away from???
I don't care if Tracy Anderson DID give you amazing legs - dresses this short should be exiled to 1965. The mock neck , shapeless silhouette, drapery lampshade fabric...there are no words.

8. Taylor Swift

I love everything about this dress, her hair, her makeup, and her jewelry. I feel like I can always count on Taylor to look classy and pretty. I like that she wore color - and glammed up her hair. This is what awards shows are for!

9. Jennifer Lawrence

Im sure you've all seen frozen right? So you'll get my reference when I tell you that upon seeing this dress I burst out with: "Do you want to build a Snooww-Maaaannn?
Not my fave. Love the girl, hate the dress. I would like to borrow those earrings, but I am baffled by her goth makeup and tissue paper fiasco of a dress. She's not a big girl - but this dress added unnecessary weight to her frame. If I ever try to wrap ribbons around my butt and call it 'fashion' someone please admit me to a psych ward.

10. Emma Stone

I surprisingly really liked this dress! Go ahead and hate me! I thought it was odd, but I like a young lady that covers up and lets her awesome personality shine! I loved the sparkle top - and although not a fan of the skirt color - thought it was cool and fancy at the same time. It should be noted that this dress has started pregnancy rumors all over Twitter and online. If this is what a pregnant person looks like kill me now. 

11. Tina Fey/ Amy Poehler

 I kid you not - I honest to goodness thought Tina Fey was wearing a dress with Flamingos on it - to be funny. Maybe she went with Zoe Saldana to the geisha shop and picked this little number up. I have no idea what possessed her to en-sushi herself into this dress. Its bizarre and I hate it almost as much as I hate her half up do hair that was frizzed out and too light. 

Amy - I do not hate your dress. The neckline is cool, the fit is great...but I am baffled by the cutout. It looks like an accident. Its a very random spot to high light. 

12. Emma Watson

it reminds me of something....

Girlfriend lost some fabric!

13. Reese Witherspoon

This girl reads like a country song. (That isnt a compliment). Shes casually spanxed into a rayon- blend dress with stretch. Her husband ran off with her best friend who left her home with only a flat iron - and the bills to pay. Theres just something too cheap about this dress. It feels like a swimsuit. She feels like a bartender. I expect her to have a raspy voice and a cigarette in one hand wearing this dress. Maybe Im getting her confused with Britney Spears? What has happened to you Reese???

AND FINALLY - The ultimate winner of the worst of the worst dressed celebrities EVER to accost our eyes with their bad fashion is.....

Why does she hate her baby? Why would she wear this sheer 90's FROCK with greased down hair that hasn't been dyed in 9 months??? Are those flowers? Hearts? BUTTERFLIES? 
What is it?
Its bad. Thats what it is. 

But at least she didnt bother with one of those pesky spray tans. Im hoping her grandmother died, and she is wearing this dress in commemoration of her legacy. Its the only explanation. Because I refuse to believe that someone with the GIFT OF SIGHT would voluntarily CHOOSE this dress. Actually, even a blind person could feel just how ugly this dress is.  In braille - this dress spells "IM HIDEOUS". 

I hope you enjoyed the Golden Globes as much as I did!
Heres to hoping the Oscars don't disappoint!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A Really Big Catch Up

Well its been over a year. What has happened in our lives? Too much to blog about thats for sure. In fact its easier if I blog the few things that DIDNT happen:

1. I didnt get pregnant OR have a baby in 2013
2. We didnt relocate to Paris
3. Nobody experienced any life altering catastrophes (Benett came the closest)
4. We didnt go on any amazing vacations that required airfare
5. I didnt cook anything incredible off pinterest
6. No home improvements have been made
7. I didnt buy any new pairs of jeans
8. I didnt buy a new car
9. I didnt fall in love with housekeeping
10. I didnt get any sleep.

So yeah. Looks like not much went on last year!

Benett DID choke on peanuts, aspirate them into his lungs and require surgery to remove them. That was our medical high light of the year for sure. This kid is KILLING US! He is so crazy!
Here was a lazy day this summer spent at Hart and Jorys in their hammock. Sometimes he can be quite pleasant. 

Benett likes violence. HE LOVES VIOLENCE. He has impulse control problems and smacks, scratches. pinches, and pulls anyone he can get his hands on. He is in fact the only child I know of that graduated junior nursery without every physically attending it. I spent this last year pacing the hallways at church wrestling him and dodging his mitts. He cant be released into the wild - he goes straight for the weak kid whos not looking. We dont go to parks or public play places. And he is a "barf when I cry" child - so he's really hard to discipline. Hence my year in hiding. He is a FULL time job. 
But we love his little dimples! He is super lovey to snuggle and is smart as a whip! He counts, sings abcs, and is a savant with animals! He knows all their names and sounds. And I dont mean zoo animals - Im talkin about flamingos (Mingos), hippopotamus' (hee-pos!), and tropical birds (which he says perfectly.)! He's pretty cute doing their sounds. Ive tried to tape him but he rejects that idea. 
This summer he also went through a hilarious "frank Sinatra" phase where he liked to wear this hat. He carried it around for a while and then all of a sudden freaked out when I put it on him one day. In one day - out the next! I loved it though and thought it was hilarious!
Benett's funny phrases right now are: no no Ben-ett, spencer/brigitte HURT me, I dont like it, not a good idea, i wanna bath, I poopies, I tired, and his favorite - I want baba nilk.

Last July we DID purchase a small rascal of a puppy who still likes to poop on my carpet. But I love him and he has been my small late night movie companion. He looked like a guinea pig when we got him - but has graduated to a smallish filthy mop now. We named him theodore after the fat dim witted chipmunk. But we call him Teddy. Or Teddy Scruffins. Or Teddy-poops. Whatever strikes our fancy. He goes everywhere with us and has been really really fun for the kids. He loves baths and the blow dryer and comes running when he hears it.

I am shamed to admit how much I love this dog. I needed some joy in my life and he delivered! He loves me. And hes just like a cat, only more high maintenance. I wish he was a girl because then I could do his hair a little cuter - but I seriously cant imagine our life without Teddy!!!
I fear Ive become a dog person - ew. 

ok - back to the kids.

 Brigitte is our dancing queen. Everyday after school she likes to do dancing and she has some *incredible* moves. We tried enrolling her and Spencer in gymnastics but she was too terrified of the teacher so we quit. She started Kindergarten and for the most part loves it! She loves her teacher but refuses to participate and is SO SO shy! Her teacher says out of all the kids shes ever taught Brigitte is the one that has taken the LONGEST to warm up! She is doing great academically - a math wiz like dad and her reading is coming along great! But she really shines in her art. Her AMAZING multimedia art projects that take HOURS and hours to complete. Shes like a crazed van gogh doing these pictures. If she cuts off her ear, Im taking her crayons away.

And remember her crazy hair? The source of her power? Well we finally were able to trim just a few inches off the bottom and convince her to let me roll it in curlers! This has been life-changing! It is a rare day to see this lady with straight hair anymore. Hallelujah! Combing out those tangles was a nightmare. As you can see in the photo below....we are still working on her irrational fear of photography. 

And last but never least - my little prince Spencer Beal:

 He is best friends with cousin Logan (wogan) and begs to play with him every day.

He has the cutest little faces ever and makes everything extra funny.
Its weird to see him transition from being a toddler into becoming a boy child. Its great and its terrible all at once. I love that he is potty trained - but hate that he loves the power rangers. He says things like "POWER UP!" and MISSION COMPLETE! after finishing food or putting on his coat. One thing is for sure: this boy loves his fashion. Take Halloween for example. Can you guess who he was?
Fred. From scooby doo. Of course he couldnt make up his mind and also wanted to be scooby - so he rocked two costumes. 

He is always up to something crazy. It usually involves "tools" like tape measures, wrenches, knives, keys, and anything else that can seriously injure a person. Here is a picture from conference morning when he just wanted to hold the dog and it kept wanting down! Pretty genius!

Spencer is a farm boy through and through. He prefers daddy (who he calls GABE. like his buddy, gabe. never dad.), cabellas, grandpas, tractors, trucks, scooters, being outside, and getting work done. Its funny to me that he also prefers skinny jeans and asks me to fix his hair everyday. A little mix of both of us I guess!

Well thats about it. I wanted to catch up on the kids stuff, since that is what this blog is primarily for. That and trash talking celebrities.  Golden Globes coming up next!