Thursday, March 3, 2011

Back by popular demand....

My 3rd annual Oscar Fashion Rundown!

Wow. This year the Oscars were so....boring. predictable. unfortunate. And dare I say it? Trashy. (I still love it. I will always love it.) But boy oh boy - did we miss the days of swan dresses and alien sheaths (thanks Bjork and Tilda for your endless fashion choices for which we are all truly thankful), chair jumping (who could ever forget the joyous Roberto Benigni?), and emotional heartfelt acceptance speeches (Gerda Weissman Klein). All we got this year was Anne Hathaway making awkward whooping and hollering noises, James the corpse Franco standing dully beside her, reading from the tele-prompter in a manner that even his James dean hair couldn't make bearable. And although it horrifies me to say this about one of my BFFs - Gwyneth Paltrow clutching the mic, rattling in fear as she plunked through her cat-dying rendition of what sounded to me like a Myley Cyrus song gone horribly terrible wrong. (forgive me Gwyn.)

So without further ado...let the visual seizures begin:

1. Natalie Portman. Did you hear me or were you still fast asleep from her acceptance speech?  "Id like to thank my family, the film, and my love. blah blah blah, yada yada yada, and in closing Id like to thank my family, the film, and my love. " ZZZZZZ. And then there was a FLASH of white - and I was jolted her ginormous upper arms glowing in the night. I felt sad that her stylist had misled her into such an unflattering cut of dress. My vote is to COVER the arm with a little sleeve, and please for petes sake dont drape another 10 yards of fabric over your baby bump! She just could have done SO much better. although I do really love the train on this dress, and the color is FAB.  

2. Michelle Williams (Who, by the way, is rumored to be dating Ryan Gosling! Boy did he win the lottery!). So. Go ahead and judge me - I am prepared for the backlash. But I REALLY think she looked quite dazzling. I appreciate that she doesnt skank it up to show off her body, and she always exudes a quiet, self-assured confidence that I feel pretty much ALL the hollywood ladies are lacking. Not to mention that it is sort of amazing that a former Dawsons Creek actress has made it to the Oscars all on her own acting chops. Shes not showy and I love that about her. Im also a HUGE fan of her cropped pixie hair and minimalist approach. Sort of a modern Audrey Hepburn. And well, lets be honest - I may just be so overjoyed that she didnt come to the Oscars dressed in a daisy frock (rememebr the golden globes? *shudder) that I am putting her on my best dressed list. 

3. The Tangerine Dream - Jennifer Hudson. The thing about this dress - is that well, I hated it. With her amazing new body and everything I can understand her desire to flaunt what her mama  dietician/personal trainer/plastic surgeon gave her....but this dress was ALL WRONG. First off - its orange. Which is just WAY too summery and trashy for the red carpet. Secondly - it was SHINY. Which made it look cheap. And lastly - I just couldn't bear the sight of her droopy good girls (ie, boobs) smashed into that Marilyn halter top. I could almost hear them crying. I think this dress would have been ok for the Grammys, or maybe even an episode of What Not To Wear. But thats IT! (Also, to add serious insult to injury, beneath that fiery frock is a pair of stripper-licious PURPLE open toed shoes) I rest my case. 

5. Halle Berry. She was truly one of the high lights for me. No, not because she looks amazing. Because watching her awkwardly waddle and try to walk down the runway in this thing she had on - made me laugh out loud. This looks like a flowy dress with a train - but do not be deceived. It is in fact a parachute, sewn into a tube sheath, with a mass of tulle stapled to the bottom by none other than Helen Keller. And Im pretty sure she had to rub down with crisco and enlist the help of her trusty friend saran wrap in order to get it zipped up.  

5. Cate Blanchett. Love is all I have for her. Even after I saw Robin Hood which made me want to thrust an arrow through my own eye. For me, she is possibly Hollywoods shiniest gem. And although this lavendar/yellow grecian gown was a little left field - I sort of loved it. Again, she falls into the refined, authentic category for me and so its difficult not to worship her embodiment of what "HOLLYWOOD" has meant through the years. This dress was different, interesting, fashion forward, modern, and yet classicly refined all rolled into one. 

6. Mila...Mila...Mila... heavy sigh.  All I can say is: Your pasties are showing. And your grandma called - she wants her doily shawl back. 

7. Next up: My good friend Amy Adams. So cute. So talented. So sad in capped sleeves. I just kept thinking - if you rolled her up into a ball and dangled her from a silver chain - she would look exactly like the heart of the ocean necklace in Titanic. That wasnt a compliment unfortunately. This dress had so much potential. And then she draped that silly necklace over it - only to draw the eye up - up - and over to her arms. With all the business going on up top, she should have opted for an updo. Also, can you see it -  her jewelry is GREEN. Jungle green. It probably cost about a billion dollars in real life,  but Im pretty sure you could have picked it up for $39.95 from an airport gift shop. * On a side note - had I seen this bejeweled bangle at LAX, I would have bought it for sure. 

8. Hailee Steinfied. Utterly adorable and age appropriate and I wish I could set her up with my cousin, and then call and have her babysit for me so I could borrow those shoes. LOVE IT. 

9. Lets kill two birds with one stone here, shall we? First up - Valentino. Hes the very tall oompa loompa on the left. Apparently either his liver has completely shut down and stopped cleansing bilirubin from his blood, or he was a little heavy handed with his spray tanner. Either way  - I was thankful this man was born with a talent for design. Because if he had had to survive off his looks alone - he wouldnt have made it. 

Next up: Anne Hathaway. I didnt mind this dress too much. The one thing I wanted was just 2-3 more inches of fabric over the chest. It felt just a tad bit too low. And I really wish she would have given Valentio a lingering hug and peeled away some of his color. She is so ghostly white in this sleeping bag dress that it was frightening. AND, can I just say, WORST NIGHT EVER to bust out some experimental highlights in your hair. Save it for spring break sista! And only as  a drunken mishap - not a conscious style decision on the most important night of your carreer!!!!!

11. And while we're talking about Anne...lets discuss these FaNtAStiC SpARklE ShoEs! Yes, Kelly - I want them. I NEED them. But I could do without the awkward suit getup. Thankfully Anne's Dazzling voice accompanied those shoes just right, and this was one of her less awkward moments of the night. (Like when she flubbed a line and proudly shouted into the Mic for everyone at home to take a shot! classy, Anne!) Thank you Brian Atwood for inventing these delicious shoes encrusted with billions of tiny Swarovski crystals. They made my heart pitter patter. 

12. Since anne had no less than 8 dresses throughout the night - lets just lump them all together and see what we can make of it. Top row, from left to right we have: 1. Sleeping bag dress. 2. Kind of strange Givenchy dress with roman inspired bedazzlements. But I lOVE her hair down and think this was her best look of the night! 3. She-Man tuxedo with those delightful shoes. 4. Black Swan dress.  
Bottom row, from left to right: 1. The very unshapely golden swing dress that inspired Annes MOST awkward joke: taking a "personal moment" to shimmy and shake it. My eyes burned and I shouted NOOOO. 2. The surprisingly elegant plum concoction. 3. Random off the shoulder latex dress that dare I say it? Looked more stiff and awkward than even James Franco. And finally 4. The nearly nude dress with mock turtle neck and unsightly seams that ran from nipple to hip. Raise your hand if you couldnt stop looking at her boobs....just trying to figure it out. I rest my case.

12. It would be a ghastly oversight to forget to mention this little beauty:
Melissa Leo. Her dress was actually hand crafted bya  local preschool class who was practicing using scissors. What started out as an outreach program to improve hand coordination skills eventually turned into this snowflake. dress. Also Melissa, your trailor park called - they want their F-bomb back. Way to blow your one shining moment on looking EXACTLY like the character you got nominated for. 

13. Oh my heavens to betsey. I nearly forgot to mention Reese BarbieSpoon. Who gets an honorable mention in the worst dressed category for heinous hair extensions + french maid inspired gown.

And it would be against my personal belief system to NOT mention this man. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. (Why her Rob, WHY??). . The ever talented and always charming Robert Downy Jr. The only man alive who can make Jude Law look unnattractive just by standing beside him....And I just so happen to LOVE the Navy blue suit and white tie. Usually the men are so boring. And bow tied. But I loved him just as much as the sparkle shoes, dare i say it...maybe even more. 

And for this years MAJOR FASHION FAUX PAS....the award goes TO........
Who bravely chose her dress "by braille" - instead of the traditional western method of opening one's eyes and seeing the gown on the body. This just did her a terrible injustice. Scar-Jo has long been celebrated as curvy and voluptuous....but this dress was a tragedy.  Of course she tried to distract from the ill fitting 1990s inspired lace nightgown - by showing up with self styled bed hiar - using what I can only assume was an entire gallon of Aussie brand scrunch and style spray. In a nutshell: She blew her one red carpet moment to show up post-divorce and wow us all. (Think along the lines of Sandra and Reese the year their hubbys ruined their lives). But no. Instead I silently thanked her for helping me to feel beautiful for one brief moment in time. Keep it up Scar-Jo. The worse you look...the better for us ALL. 

And - Because she was flawless (but only if you are deaf...) and her dress made me weep salty tears of envy...I have voted GWYNETH PALTROW my 2011 Belle of the ball! I love how she is styled. I love the bottom hem of this dress, the way she wore her hair effortlessly down but perfectly frizz free....I like her! I REALLY like her!

And that my friends, concludes this years Oscar Fashion wrap up. I hope you have been enlightened and enriched. See you next year ;)


Shawn AND Chelsey said...

Cate Blanchett's dress was so unique but i really LOVED it. i think she really pulled it off! the shape of that dress would never look good on me since i have humungo hips, but i thought it fit her body very gracefully. i couldn't agree more with you on all of the dresses. and YES those sparkle shoes made my heart skip a beat too :)

Jessie and Taylor Miller said...

They have some darling sparkle pumps at nordstrom which I'm guessing are in a more budget friendly price range. A few different designers have them there so check it out:)

Sherry Bobbins said...

I didn't see it but I knew I could count on you to take notes :) and I wouldn't miss your account for the world!

Krystle said...

That was a GOOD TIME - thank you my friend, thank you :)

Jana said...

Oh, I love all the commentary! Definitely agree about most of the dresses; Scarlett's in particular was dreadful.

I was sooo bummed out by James Franco's awkwardness; the promos he and Anne did were super cute so I had higher hopes. I felt bad that he left Anne with all the pressure to 'entertain', which she attempted valiantly.

I do object to the criticism of Anne as being 'ghostly white' - those of us who are completely and utterly unable to tan rely heavily on her to continue making pale somewhat acceptable :).

Anna Beal said...

Good job Christy! You seriously crack me up.

Erin said...

oh how i love your commentary. I need you to be in my life on a daily basis cause i know we would laugh all day. thank you for your hollywood wrap up. I love Mrs. Chris Martin as well. She is perfect in every way. I didnt like Scar-Jos dress at all and i CANNOT believe she is dating Sean Penn....gross.

jayna said...

That was a good read- now I'm not even sad I didn't see it in the first place!

The Melissa Leo thing made me laugh!!

Matt and Kelly Woodland said...

Oh MY, Christy, you outdid yourself my love! This was piece by glorious piece AmAzInG!!!

~I loved Cate Blanchett's dress, and kept thinking "I wonder if those are real rocks?!?" the whole time she was presenting...
~Sparkle shoes=my newest lust-worthy item!
~how horrendous was the swinging tassel incident of 2011?!? Oh Honey!
Thank you again, I look forward to this every single year!

The Cannons said...

I was wondering when this post would come, and it has come and it didn't disappoint. Although I have to say that some of my favorites were some of your least favorites. I thought Jennifer Hudson looked smokin' hot in that dress and I thought the color really looked good on her. And I'll just say it I liked Scarlet Johansen's yep, it's true, and I didn't like Gweneth's at all. A little too star treky for me. But hey what do I know about fashion. Thanks for the post, you are hilarious. My favorite part was about Melissa Leo! So funny and true!

BEV said...

Great writing and very amusing. You should have sent it in to your newspaper!!!

Carolyn Hart Bennett said...

Cate's dress looked like she had a nasty case of unlanced zits on her shoulders and back. It made me rather nauseous.

Heather and Dave said...

Fabulous update! I loved reading each and every hilarious description. I think you need to send it in to the networks and they'll hire you on the spot and kick that Joan Rivers lady to the curb.
I loved your last post too about the 4 kitties and the crazy little duo of Brig and Spence. What little darlings you have and I love reading about all their adventures. Your such a fun mom!

amy said...

you need to write a book....seriously. you've got talent, girl! thanks for the entertaining commentary. it was fabulous!

Alisa said...

Agreed, agreed and agreed. You are hilariously amazing.

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