Thursday, September 15, 2011

My near death experience.

I am hesitant to post this ufortnuate story. If you ever want to have any sort of respect for me as a person: Stop reading this NOW!!!! And if you are fine with never being able to look me in the eyes again...

then read on my friends.

2 days ago I decided to make dinner for my SIL Mitzi who had just had a baby. I had, incidentally that morning found this delicious looking Italian Chicken Soup recip on my Bff Pioneer Womans blog - and it seemed like a win win situation. I love me some heavy cream, and here was the perfect occasion to indulge. 

So I ran to Freds and picked up all the ingredients. Fresh oregano - check. Chicken, green peppers, heavy cream....check check check. 2 jalepeno peppers - CHECK. 

I came home and around noon I began this rather involved process of dicing up about a billion things and sauteeing them all in various pots. Ree wasnt joking when she warned that this recipe was "pot heavy". I used every pan, pot, dish, bowl, and trinket in the house. (It is a minor tragedy that I didnt grab a picture of the messy kitchen before Gabe cleaned it up. but it took him about an hour!)

Anyway, making this soup sort of goes like this: dice onion, set aside. Cook and shred chicken, set aside. Chop tomatoes , set aside. Seed and dice jalepenos...and of course - Set aside. 

Everything was progressing well and going according to plan. I had chopped and set aside everything and was beginning the saute process of the vegies....when all of a sudden, I felt it. A tingle. An itch. A slow...BUILDING....BURNING SENSATION. 

Oh my HECK! My Hands were on FIRE!!!!

Under my finger nails, under my rings, in between each finger, and scorching my palms - there was a hideous burning feeling! Like I was grabbing a smoldering hot curling iron but couldnt let go! What was this? what had I done? I was utterly confused! And then I remembered - THE swear word JALEPENOS!

I had been so careful not to touch the seeds! Ive diced them a hundred times before and I have NEVER, I mean EVER - gotten burned by them! Insanity was setting in. The burning was moving up my arms. My nose was dripping like a seive and I stupidly swiped the back of my hand across my face. BIG HUGE GIGANTIC mistake!

Now my nose and lips were on fire. This in turn made my eyes start watering uncontrollably. I had to get a grip! I had to find a remedy! I HAD to finish making dinner! 

So I did what any practical person would do. I left the comfort of the cold running water in the sink, and ran over to the computer where I consulted my wise friend google on how to CURE 3rd Degree Jalepeno burns!

All the sites explained that there is a devil oil called Capsaicin that hides in the peppers causing the potency and burn. The worst part is NOT water Soluble. Well, that makes sense. I had been dousing in cold running water scrubbing with dish soap for 10 minutes with ZERO relief!

So fine, if water isnt going to help - what will???? I was getting desperate. The Burning was SO BAD! So I read on. 

First line of defense? Dairy products. Perfect! This I had! I got out a big bowl and poured in whole milk and quickly plunged my hands in. It. Felt. AWESOME. I was thinking to myself: Hallelujah! Crisis averted! Boy, this could have been really bad! I love Google! Google just saved my life!

And then.... 10 minutes had gone by and the milk was no longer cold...and the burning immediately came back! CRAP!

From there, I tried yogurt mittens. Fail! Sour cream - USELESS! Hand sanitizer, Olive oil, baking soda paste, apple cider vinegar soak, honey rub, a sugar water concoction, fresh lime pulp, canned tomato juice, hot hot water to release the oils, aloe vera with lidocaine, salt, and finally in despair.....straight up acetone and then....bleach. 

I am NOT joking you. The burning was a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale. Had someone offered me an extremity epidural I would have GLADLY SAID YES! And here was the worst part: My kids were running around like feral animals all through the house, and I was unable to touch them. I couldnt change Spencers diaper ( all the sites ADAMANTLY warned against skin contact whilst you had the buring hands...which I had already learned the hard way when I touched my face, which was now melting off!) So my entire house was in shambles. My kitchen was a GIGANTIC mess. And I was sticky, stinky, EN FUEGO, and sadly....about to cry real tears!

I hit rock bottom. With my useless raw singed fingers I dialed the Husband at work. It had been 2 complete hours of chaos and not a single recommended remedy had even lessened the pain. I needed him to come home. I needed him to change Spencer, put him down for a nap, scrape Brigitte off the ceiling and take away her weapons and plunk her in front of a movie with a cup of milk. 

I said to him, Honey, what I am about to tell you is NO JOKE. I NEED you to COME HOME NOW! And then I cried. For real! I was seriously about to have to take myself to the hospital for some type of coma induction until this burning had passed. And there was NO WAY I could drive anywhere. 

PLUS I NEEDED HIM TO FINISH MAKING THIS DANG SOUP!!!!!! When the burning had initially started I had tried to carry on. But as I stood stirring the celery and onions over the steaming frying pan it intensified the pain about a TRILLION FOLD! So my half cooked dinner was just there waiting. getting cold. Not getting made! THIS WAS UNNACCEPTABLE!

He agreed to come home. But not for 30 MINUTES! MAJOR SWEARING! He was after all....working. I was in despair. I sat back down at the computer. Was there a cure I had missed? Something else to try? A magic chant? A rare flower with magical healing properties? Rapunzel, where are you when I need you?????

And then, There it was. In black and white. A little paragraph at the bottom of the thread on the "Jalepeno Burns" page on ChowHound:

  "I finally in desperation tried the thing I had been avoiding all night. I peed on my hand. That's right folks, I PEED on my hand. The relief was instant. I let the urine sit on my hand for about a minute and then I washed my hands really, really well. I was afraid after I washed them that the pain would come back but it never did. I slept fine all night and woke up this morning with no pain at all."

I sat staring in horror. Could this be my salvation? AM I REALLY THIS DESPERATE????? And then I remembered that episode of Friends. The one with the jellyfish...where Monica gets stung and she remembers seeing on the Discovery channel that Urine contains ammonia and you can pee on yourself to alleviate the stinging pain.....she was so desperate! But was I? WAS I?

And I am sad, ashamed, and sorry to report that YES. YES MY FRIENDS. I WAS THAT kind of DESPERATE. 

So I did it. GO ahead - JUDGE ME. I Judge myself!
Being pregnant finally paid off, as I was able to Pee on demand with no difficulty - ALL over myself. 
And guess what?

SWEET RELIEF OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY - IT WORKED!!!!! Instant, immediate, soothing, prayer answering relief!

I sat there in shock, laughing hysterically out of sheer happiness. I HAD BEAT THE PEPPERS! Now if only I could figure out how to make a bullet proof toilet paper mitten....and pull up my pants! 

Well, to make a long humiliating story even longer and more humiliating - i will just say that the next 10 minutes involved waddling to the kitchen half naked and partaking in some seriously INTENSE hand washing. Once I was sure the burning had stopped I did a test touch on my ear - and you guessed it - no burning. I was able to put on some much appreciated underwear and pants - FINALLY change Spencer and put him down for a nap, get Brigitte situated, and commence cooking the soup.

Gabe ended up being held up at work and didnt get home any earlier than its a good thing I took matters "into my own hands" so to speak. He was able to deliver dinner ON TIME to his sister (another miracle!) and I carried on as if nothing happened. 

Pioneer woman, your soup almost killed me. It was good - but SO NOT WORTH IT!
Lets just say I invested in a box of these for next time. 

And I suggest if this ever happens to you - skip the food product fiasco and go straight for the GOLD! Worked like a charm! 

Now let us never, Ever, EVER speak of this again. 


Shawn AND Chelsey said...

haha!!! oh my gosh!! Christy!!! I am laughing so hard!!! I can NOT imagine the pain and I would probably have done the same thing!!! It is so, so sick! But so, so funny!!!
I am glad it worked AND I hope that Scott and Mitzi didn't know this story BEFORE they ate the soup :) :) :) haha! If you ever make me dinner - just leave the jalepeno peppers out :) ha!

Maren said...

BASHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA! I am almost peeing MY pants laughing right now. This story makes me respect you EVEN more. You did what had to be done.

megan&steve said...

Love it all. I can't imagine that crazy burning sensation. You handled that the BEST way you could and in the end... you beat the peppers. GO YOU! You make me proud.

jayna said...

In all my clumsiness. In all my shortcomings in the kitchen. In all my time inept with knives, I have never encountered such insanity. I demand a culinary upgrade!

This was just as hilarious as I imagined it to be!

Myca said...

WHY. DIDN'T. YOU. CALL. ME????? I could have at least taken your children off your "hands." :) You are never let me help you lady!
Pretty funny story!

Sherry Bobbins said...

so funny- but NOT! At least we now know what to do if such an emergency arises; although I can't imagine it ever happening at our house with your dad's aversion to all things peppers... I think I've only had 2 in the house in 32 years!

Lisa Stewart said...

I am laughing to hard I am crying! Love you Christy! Keep up the posts!

Bournes said...

Melanie told me your pee-pee story. Melanie just says "I am not cooking tonight", and that usually works. Looking forward to hearing you top that one. ;)

Whitney said...

oh my goodness. My husband thought this was the funniest story. He thinks you should write a book!! We were dying. He liked it so much he shared it with my whole family, while laughing hysterically!! You crack me up and I love reading your blog!!!

Alisa said...

That is the funniest thing I have heard in a really long time! LOL!!!