Golden Globes 2014 - Saying what youre thinking

So. 

I know you were all thinking the same thing about these people's fashion. Im just the girl willing to say it. More than willing! Because for petes sake with a dietician, personal trainer, high end stylist, and "team" of minions dedicated to ensuring this persons success in their industry - I find it hard to believe famous people can ever look BAD. But they DO! BAD! And I guess Miley Cyrus proves that point every. single. day. But still. 

1. Hayden Panettiere

I dont know who is responsible for making this girl famous....or who was guilty for fixing her wax mullet. Both parties should be executed. This color-blocking nightmare of a dress with 90s halter neckline was of course only complete with granny's brooch choking her neck. In fact some poor elderly lady is crawling around the bathroom floor right now looking for her HUGE pearl bomb earrings she dropped. Dont worry Hayden has em. Her red carpet interview was also the most awkward 20 seconds of my life and everything about her screams "total desperation" to me. But thats just me. Maybe you like her she-manness. 

2. Paula Patton

Yet another celebrity that *might* also be a man. Or an alien. Her spacesuit dress is definitely not my favorite and by that I mean I would rather be personally abducted than be food-savered into this in public. He/She obviously has a great figure - but who can tell with her security blanket stapled to her shoulder? I guess the Globes were too scary to brave without it. I hope she slept well after humiliating herself on live TV for 3 straight hours. Maybe someday hubby Robin Thicke will write her a song to dull the memory of this dress....it will probably make my ears bleed to listen to it. Like all his other music. 

3. Zoe Seldana

Do not adjust your monitor...you are actually seeing what Im seeing. Its a slip! Its a dress! Its a crazy geisha costume! Zoe zoe zoe. Such a mess. All night long I wanted to reach through my tv and just yank those straps up! Im baffled by her pony tale, coral lips, and hello kitty purse almost as much as her presence at this event.  

4. Julia Roberts

Was this her attempt at Audrey Hepburn? Epic fail. I do give her an A+ for modesty but the awkwardness that is the white shirt tucked into strapless dress coupled with weird white belt - got a big fat F. She's so uniquely gorgeous and this sad get up did her NO favors. And why WHY does she have a hair helmet??? Look at her ears! She couldn't hear a thing all night! Maybe she didn't hear her stylists when they mentioned this dress was too closely mimicking her nearly dead career....

5. Sandra Bullock

There are only 2 things that I hate about this dress:

1. That it has baby blue AND baby pink on it simultaneously.... and

2. That Sandra Bullock has it on. 

I LOVE Sandra. Her styling and makeup and heels are FLAWLESS! But why this awkward satin mess with too high waist and too short hem??? I dont understand the colors. Is this dress in German? Because I know Sandy speaks German! Maybe Im not European enough to "get this" dress! She does however get 3 loud cheers for not falling victim to the hollywood implants, which her plunging neckline so graciously allows us to observe. 

6. Amy Adams

I call this look "when Pinterest goes whorribly wrong"

For starters we have her dress that was upcycled from Farrah Fawcett's chiffon prom gown from 1979. All she did was remove the top entirely and replace it with her neck scarf, which she simply cut into 2 triangles. Clever girl! 

And then her hair. 

I know I've seen the tutorial somewhere.....

Braid hair into 14 small snakes, coil into a princess leia mass on back of head. 

Nailed it!

7. Gwyneth Paltrow

What hippie commune did you wander away from???

I don't care if Tracy Anderson DID give you amazing legs - dresses this short should be exiled to 1965. The mock neck , shapeless silhouette, drapery lampshade fabric...there are no words.

8. Taylor Swift

I love everything about this dress, her hair, her makeup, and her jewelry. I feel like I can always count on Taylor to look classy and pretty. I like that she wore color - and glammed up her hair. This is what awards shows are for!

9. Jennifer Lawrence

Im sure you've all seen frozen right? So you'll get my reference when I tell you that upon seeing this dress I burst out with: "Do you want to build a Snooww-Maaaannn?

Not my fave. Love the girl, hate the dress. I would like to borrow those earrings, but I am baffled by her goth makeup and tissue paper fiasco of a dress. She's not a big girl - but this dress added unnecessary weight to her frame. If I ever try to wrap ribbons around my butt and call it 'fashion' someone please admit me to a psych ward.

10. Emma Stone

I surprisingly really liked this dress! Go ahead and hate me! I thought it was odd, but I like a young lady that covers up and lets her awesome personality shine! I loved the sparkle top - and although not a fan of the skirt color - thought it was cool and fancy at the same time. It should be noted that this dress has started pregnancy rumors all over Twitter and online. If this is what a pregnant person looks like kill me now. 

11. Tina Fey/ Amy Poehler

 I kid you not - I honest to goodness thought Tina Fey was wearing a dress with Flamingos on it - to be funny. Maybe she went with Zoe Saldana to the geisha shop and picked this little number up. I have no idea what possessed her to en-sushi herself into this dress. Its bizarre and I hate it almost as much as I hate her half up do hair that was frizzed out and too light. 

Amy - I do not hate your dress. The neckline is cool, the fit is great...but I am baffled by the cutout. It looks like an accident. Its a very random spot to high light. 

12. Emma Watson

it reminds me of something....

Girlfriend lost some fabric!

13. Reese Witherspoon

This girl reads like a country song. (That isnt a compliment). Shes casually spanxed into a rayon- blend dress with stretch. Her husband ran off with her best friend who left her home with only a flat iron - and the bills to pay. Theres just something too cheap about this dress. It feels like a swimsuit. She feels like a bartender. I expect her to have a raspy voice and a cigarette in one hand wearing this dress. Maybe Im getting her confused with Britney Spears? What has happened to you Reese???

AND FINALLY - The ultimate winner of the worst of the worst dressed celebrities EVER to accost our eyes with their bad fashion is.....

DREW BARRYMORE!

Why does she hate her baby? Why would she wear this sheer 90's FROCK with greased down hair that hasn't been dyed in 9 months??? Are those flowers? Hearts? BUTTERFLIES? 

What is it?

Its bad. Thats what it is. 

But at least she didnt bother with one of those pesky spray tans. Im hoping her grandmother died, and she is wearing this dress in commemoration of her legacy. Its the only explanation. Because I refuse to believe that someone with the GIFT OF SIGHT would voluntarily CHOOSE this dress. Actually, even a blind person could feel just how ugly this dress is.  In braille - this dress spells "IM HIDEOUS". 

I hope you enjoyed the Golden Globes as much as I did!

Heres to hoping the Oscars don't disappoint!