Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Oscars 2014

Well my loyal followers - and by that I mean of course my mother in law and sisters in law! Here is the post you've all been waiting for! I came down with the plague right after the show aired and put off this post all week while I self medicated with copious amounts of diet coke and alka seltzer. Now that Im out of the haze and can fully express myself...I present to you my deep thoughts on shallow topics:

If you see this picture of Anna Kendrick and immediately start hearing her sing "the cup song" - well, you are not alone. In fact as I type these words I am doing it to the rhythm of "I bought a ticket to the long way round....". But instead of singing "cups" what I actually want to do is put a ginormous cup over her entire body. And hide this hideous beaded mesh-topped mess from my sight. It's 3 different dresses all sewed into one. And while I have a deep respect for recycling....(like, cans and cardboard and crap.) I am NOT a fan of stealing a vampire top from 2006, beading it in 1999, and finishing it off with grandmas crepe nightgown circa 1974. And her matching purse made me throw up a little. 

Angelina was another unfortunate victim of bad fashion. This dress is beautiful - in a sort of cliche "great gatsby" kind of way. And it gets a thumbs up for its modest-ish-ness. But why it fails, is simply because if anyone in the world is as freakishly skinny as Angelina is - and yet somehow manages to look BIG? Well then, thats a bad dress. Her makeup was gorgeous and Im pleased she didnt go all "flapper" on us and try finger wave her hair. I just cant quite solve the mystery of where her ginormous boobs end - and where her hips begin! This dress is like a sparkly tube sock - with a thread pulled tight in the middle. Somethin just aint right. 

Hello my name is Amy Adams, and Ill be your flight attendant today. If any of you would like to fall asleep immediately at the sight of my boring navy blue dress with its smart flap pockets, just push your call light overhead. Also, Ill be serving small snacks and beverages in a few moments, which you will need to choke down before I blind you with my pale vampire skin, which I have so kindly not spray tanned for you. We are expecting a large amount of turbulence on this route, which is why I tightly slicked my hair down into this very reasonable school teacher do. Thanks for choosing my flight, make sure to get a kiss from my coral lipstick as you de-board the plane! It looks awesome next to my homemade earrings that have absolutely nothing to do with anything else Im wearing! 

 Meryl Streep looks perfect! Age appropriate, modest, formal but not frilly, styled but not desperate for attention - and overall If I were Meryl Streep this is exactly what I would have worn! (Also If I were Meryl Streep I wouldnt be here blogging....Id be in my mansion playing chess with my 900 oscars)

I looked out my window and what did I see???
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree! Spring has brought me such a nice surprise....
Cate Blanchett gouging out my innocent eyes....

Ok so its not THAT bad. But the reason I am verbal vomiting all over her is because of her acceptance speech. How did I hate it? Let me count the ways..... If I ever win an Oscar and get too drunk to be in my seat before my category gets called  please check me into rehab. And if perchance I do make it to the microphone after hitting the bar and I open my mouth and the words "SUCK IT" tumble out....please know its just the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol talking. Then again, If I have to stand up and thank a pedophile for casting me in the role that won me the Oscar in the first place- Id probably have to get drunk to do it too. Ill cut you some slack this time Cate....just this once. 

This is Jennifer Lawrence. She is looking contemplatively into her future, wondering if her terrible wind blown dog hair will ever grow out. It will Jen. It will. But until then, please stop sticking your head out the limousine window on your way to awards shows. I know there are a limited number of ways to style hair that is only 2 inches long...but remember that you have hired and paid 5 different people to do that for you. But on a side-note -I LOVE her red dress with the Peplum!

So many things I love in this picture, where to begin? Sandra's hair - perfection! Her makeup - flawless! Her dress - magnificent! Her jewelry - enchanting! She NAILED it! Im shocked really, considering the color blocked nightmare that was the golden globes. I love a divorcee coming out victor! Take that Jesse James, you disgusting fraction of a man! Id nominate her for an Oscar every single year just to stick it to him. (But Im slightly bitter of course.). 

Julia Julia Julia. Uh, this is awkward - but I uh, think your skirt extender is showing. No wait - Maybe its just that your dress is inside out? No? hmm....
OH I SEE... the lace is SUPPOSED to be showing. Awkwardly. Everywhere. 
I hate this dress. It looks like Morticia from the adams family bought and purchased 
'gingeraffe barbie' and dressed her up. 

 Lupita! The little darling! I was so nervous watching her move around in this dress. The fact that she is my boob-twin only made me hate her ill-fitting dress even more. Literally every time she lifted an arm I was afraid of a rib slip. (Thats right - a RIB.) Normally with Hollywood I always fear the twins making an appearance- but not when you are dealing with a 10 year old boys body. (I should know.) Her speech was adorable and left not a dry eye in the joint. But I didnt love this grecian gown on her. I love that she paired the ice blue with gold jewelry- and bless her heart that she TRIED to do something with her hair - even if she stole the head band off of a baby on her way out the door.

And next up we have my so-called-boyfriend Jared Leto. He won his so-called-oscar for playing a so-called-transvestite. I was a little disappointed that he didnt rock the man-bun, but his hair looked a lot better than some of the ladies I saw (ahem naomi watts and Jessica Biel). I was really proud of Mr. Leto who, after not making a film in 6 years came out of hiding to grace our screens as this beauty:

I of course didnt get to see Dallas Buyers Club (just reading the parental advisory on IMDB made me feel like I needed vaccinated)- so I have no idea if he deserved the Oscar or not. But any man that starves himself into hot pink pantyhose is a winner in my book. * Also, as a mildly inappropriate side-note, I am wondering how I go about submitting his name as a possible Jesus for the temple movies??? Im just saying I might up my attendance a little if, you know... he was in it.  

My favorite thing Anne Hathaway did this year was keep quiet :)
Ok, that was mean. She's beautiful and I use her as THE example of how to do short hair right. And I quite like her dress - especially with its breastplate of righteousness shining in the night. A far leap in the better direction after last year's prada mishap. Anne is one of the few girls who can pull of the halter dress. She is so elegant and sophiscated. 
(Just as long as she isnt speaking. or dancing. Or hosting.) Sorry. 

Looks like Portia de Rossi rode with Jennifer Lawrence to the Oscars this year. Wowza. That's some bad hair! Her body is AMAZING though - which you can nearly see 100% of through her awkwardly crocheted dress. 
Also I am afraid that this woman may not be physically capable of blinking. Ever again. 
Seeing Portia in this condition was so shocking - I think I gasped out loud. She has the body of a 20 year old, and the head of an 80 year old. Why she chopped off her gorgeous blonde hair (her one beauty!) is beyond me. It aged her about a thousand years. She literally looks like an old lady that escaped from a nursing home and grabbed the afghan off the couch on her way out.

Despite her bad hair - Naomi Watts WINS hands down-  my favorite look of the night. Oh my word - I LOVE her dress. Look at her tiny sculpted shoulders! Just enough modern flare of architecture on this bright star-white dress to make it an instant classic! Her jewelry is worth stealing, and if I don't immediately find and purchase that small black and white clutch (which I am sure is housing her cranberry tart lip stain that I also must find...) Im going to go into a deep dark purse-less depression. (who are we kidding - I totally already live there!) I just absolutely LOVE everything about her! If she was a cake topper I would almost get married AGAIN just to marvel at her perfection!

Another one of my favorites list - Is Mrs. Harrison Ford aka Calista Flockhart.
Im a sucker for the white dresses with sleeves, what can I say??
But what really captured me were her size of the moon round Emerald earrings! I must locate a knock off pair immediately. I will add them to my list.

 Excuse me, you're snoring. 
No, wait. That was me. Looking at Jessica Biel. 

This dress is human melatonin. Its practically putting me into a coma its so drab and depressing. 
Its hard to tell where the gray stops and her white skin starts. Take a peek at the bottom hem - what the??? Also, was she trying to curl her hair - but ran out of time? Because I sport this same half-fixed hair situation on Sundays in church at 9 am after my kids were up all night. I sort of curl a few in the front - to give it an illusion of done-ness. But its actually a mess. Also, I just have to say, if you are going to wear clothes THIS boring, you better make up for it with a charming witty personality. Or at least a pop of bright lipstick. Neither of which Jessica 
bothered with apparently. If you think Im wrong....try to name just ONE movie that Jessica Biel was in.  Anyone? Anyone?

Penelope Cruz and her bridesmaid dress from India is among the worst looks of the night. This pink blush color is sincerely disgusting. And that hideous black karate belt bow under her bust-line makes everything even worse. I take it there is no mirror in her ugly box purse or surely she would have darkened up her barely there lips a bit. Its really really bad. And the worst part of all is that she used the "magic bun hair shaper" to roll her gorgeous hair into this unfortunate cinnamon roll. How did this fiery hot latina end up drenched in mary kay pink??? Its bad colors and bad styling combined. 

Goldie Hawn. Just looking at her makes me snicker. She was a presenter at the Oscars and she flounced out to the microphone in her dynasty nightgown all full of crazy. It was clear that she had lost some things backstage....her train of thought....her dignity.
Why does her hair always look like she just rock n rolled back stage? Like it had static clung to the red curtain? Goldie is a charmer, even though she's never quite really sure what's so funny...

I could go on and on.  A shout out to the stunning pregnant ladies Olivia Wilde and Kerry Washington who both looked GORGEOUS.

And Jennifer Garner - its ok, you can try again next year. How does someone so naturally beautiful have a total lack of awareness about dressing beautifully? One of life's great conundrums....
Did you see her platform peep toe wedges peeking out under her fringe? yeah.... my money is on Seraphina Affleck for choosing those.

And lastly, Kristen Chenowith. The big giant goldfish without any hair. 

So that about wraps it up for me friends. Who did you love? More importantly who did you hate?! How did you feel about Ellen hosting? What was your favorite part of the night? Did you also scream out loud in pain during the end of Idina Menzel's song Let it go??? 

Until next year....


jayna said...

I don't watch the movies, have very little idea about the awards or the fashions, but I thoroughly enjoyed this 2014 installment as usual! You truly are gifted at mocking. "If you don't have anything nice to say...come sit by me!" Your witty humor has provided a fine pastime as my car was emission tested, so I thank you. As would Jennifer Lawrence if she could only read it...

K.A.M. said...

Laughing so hard!!! I don't know how you come up with this stuff! Hilarious! Naomi Watts did look amazing, good call. I absolutely LOVED Cate Blanchets dress...until I read your comments and now all I can think is popcorn popping 😜

Jana said...

Loved this as always Christy!

The Cannons said...

I agree with K.A.M. I too liked Cate's dress but now am thinking about Orville Redenbacher. Amy Adams dress and hair was probably my least favorite. What did you think of Ellen's hosting? I think the worst part about Ellen hosting was having to look at her shiny pant suits. Just sayin!

Myca said...

Oh how I love everything about this! and dont feel so bad...I don't think my own family even reads my blog anymore! haha.

Carrie Hellewell said...

My hat goes off to you. Once again. Nailed it. Except two things: Anne Hathaway. I hated the dress. The breastplate was too much for me and even though she is a magnificent actress, I can't stand her as well.

Kerry Washington. She is so beautiful but seriously? With all the people around her NO ONE thought to iron her dress???? It baffles me.

Sherry said...

Of course I never watch the Oscars but I ALWAYS read your blog write up. Jayna is right - you are truly gifted at mocking! I don't think I'll ever get the image out of my mind of Kristen Chenowith the big giant goldfish without any hair! ha ha

Thao Tran Thu said...

I was fulled with admiration for Oscar 2014 until reading your note it turned out to be a fashion disaster at such a much sense of humor! Stars/event-going people should read your blog for fashion taste improving. :)