Sunday, February 22, 2009

Tears on my pillow...

Yes, yes - its true. My "Superbowl" has come - and gone. Did you all enjoy the ACADEMY AWARDS??? First and foremost, I just have to say Hugh Jackman - I Love You. Talent, charm, perfection. Remember last year when Jon Stewart (who I deemed drastically unqualified) put us all to sleep with his non-hollywood banter??? Well hallelujah for this years host! Plus, couldnt you just listen to his voice for hours and hours?
Next up of course, is my annual fashion trash. Now, it never ceases to amaze me that with their limitless income, team of stylists, and hair and makeup gurus....that they can END UP looking like THIS:

Silly Cyrus apparently forgot to get her hair done. Or maybe she had LC from 'The Hills' do it for her - in this low maintenance ponytail fiasco. The she robbed a sea pony for her magical seashell belt - and stripped the little mermaid and ran off with her scaly dress. The best part you ask? The Dolly Partner-esque sweetheart cut out in the back. But hey, at least she was sparkly.
Now Reese Witherspoon is usually spot on with her fashion choices. But this year I have to say...she should fire her 'people'. She looked like a broad shouldered bruise. Im not a fan of the stringy black and blue dress. It made her look - dare I say it? CHUBBY??? Gabe and I are now starting the rumor that she is pregnant. If we are right, remember - you heard it here first. *Sorry for the lame picture - I cant find a better one anywhere that shows the tragedy adequately.

Sadly, the ever talented and I think gorgeous (although Gabe disagrees and gags whenever he gets the chance) KATE WINSLET - really wasnt on her A-game tonight. Shame shame. It truly looked like she stapled a tablecloth to a nightgown or slip. I hated the color, I hated the shine. I really hated the lace. But I do love her talent. And her hair and jewelry. So close Kate, so close.

Next up: Heidi Klum. Sigh. She really should know better. Besides the color...this dress was all wrong. It honestly looks like an origami mess. Is that a neckline or a sleeve? And please, I beg you - lay off the ICE! It looks like she burgled Elizabeth Taylor and ran off wearing all her jewelry!!! The most confusing part for me though - no, it wasn't the stripper slit up to her thigh, it wasn't her trashy peep toed coral matchy matchy shoes....but it WAS her crazy drastic side part with slicked straight hair accompanied with HUGE chunky earrings. If there was ever a night for an updo...tonight was it. Seriously, Aufweidersein Heidi.

Jessica Beil: You looked like a used tissue. Like a duvet cover with stringy haired barbie tucked inside. Like a sad, out of work geisha.
Im not a Beyonce fan. Not of her thighs, not of her hair pieces. And DEFINITELY not a fan of her weird golden mermaid drapery dress. Shes always a fashion nightmare if you ask me.

Tilda tilda tilda. Just like last year - you terrify me. As she creeped on stage like an alien , I couldnt help screaming: MY EYES! MY EYES! I am so tempted to mail her a bra. And some hair extensions.

Ok ok. Enough of the fashion bus. My "Belle of the Ball" award is going tooooo *drum roll please*
me she was flawless. Perfect dress, perfect hair, light on the bling.

First Runner Up: FREIDA PINTO
Kudos for her stand out color choice and impeccable fit! And I'm coveting her left hand ring.

Second Runner Up: Miss PENELOPE CRUZ.
Even though shes a bit 'bridal' I love her classic hollywood ball gown updo combo. And she reminds me a little of Audrey Hepburn.

And finally, Third Runner Up: Evan Rachel Wood. She made my list last year as well. And even though she got to make out with my man Jim Sturgess...I think shes beautiful. And talented. And probably a little mean...
So who did you love/hate???? And for petes sake - does anyone have an edited copy of SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE???


jayna said...

We tivo-ed it to watch tomorrow, but I thought the exact same thing about Tilda!! She is all slinky and alienesque.

I laughed so hard 2 drops came out about Jessica Biel. That is EXACTLY what her dress looks like.

Ditto to Hugh Jackman. Cowboy take me away.

Shawn AND Chelsey said...

oh Heidi! What WERE you thinking!

Amanda said...

my favorite was queen latifa. thats a first for me.

Sherry Bobbins said...

That is hilarious!!! You described them all perfectly. You really should write for a Magazine or something; seriously, I almost died laughing!

Brittany Iverson said...

We must be channeling our psychic powers from the same almighty celebrity force because I totally thought Reese was pregnant too.

The Fago Family said...

I want to hear what you thought of Sarah Jessica Parker's dress? I heard everyone saying how she was the best dressed and then Natalie Portman... What were your thoughts? :)

The Cannons said...

Oh I love this post. I love it mainly because I don't like to watch the Academy Awards but I do like the dish and nobody does it better than you. I really liked Natalie Portman's dress and I totally agree with everything you said. I too love Kate Winslet she is amazing. Gabe needs to get a life!

amy said...

love this post! you really should go into business. :)

Lowders said...

Very fun reading! You are so entertaining. Love, Terri

Alisa said...

I agree, agree and agree. As for Slumdog Millionaire...amazing. We got ahold of a bootleg copy, if there is an edited version out there somewhere, I don't know what they would edit. There is only a little swearing, no sex, it is rated r for the content, i think mostly because it shows kids in undesirable situations, and a little violence. Not to sway you to watch it, but it definitely deserved the honors it got.

Alisa said...

Oh...I must say, you have totally inspired me to use coupons.

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