Sunday, March 4, 2012

Oscars 2012

Goodness, I cant believe its been a week since the Oscars happened. I kept thinking about this post and the amount of uninterrupted time it would take to write it....which meant I kept putting it off. But alas, it is time. And so I say...let there be LIGHT:

Maybe Billy Crystal was to blame, but this years Academy Awards felt like the good ol days to me. There weren't any dirty underhanded jokes. Nobody took awkward personal moments on stage, dropped the f-bomb in their acceptance speech, or dressed up like a swan for the red carpet. All in all, it was a pretty mellow night. In fact, this might be my most boring Oscar post yet. But because I love you, and also because it is my innate nature,  ill do my best to mock those who stand in desperate need of mocking. 

So without further ado, I bring you:
Cameron "i forgot to fix my hair" Diaz.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but this girl does have about a kajillion dollars, yes? And yet on perhaps her most important night out of the year, Cam opted to stick her sassy little head out the limo window on her way to the party in lieu of paying a couple hundred bucks to have a professional style her hair. From the neck down she looked alright, but I couldnt get over her casual coiff that just didnt match her super girly gown. And if im going to be nit picky (which you know I am....) Id also venture to say her man arms terrified me a little. This is a girl you dont ever want to get in a fight with. If she pulls your hair, you know its gonna hurt! I know a lot of people (read: guys) who just loooove Cameron's athletic down to earth persona. But personally for me, any girl who farts in public because they think its cute (Jenny Mccarthy are you listening???) just cant be my friend. 

Next up: Starving Angelina. I almost couldnt believe my eyes when I saw her ghostly bones walk down the red carpet. It was like watching a daddy long leg spider - a little hypnotizing, a little terrifying. And then she ejected one emaciated thigh out of her dress and threw a jagged skeletal arm on what I assume was her bony little this ridiculous pose ALL NIGHT LONG! What did it mean? Why did she do it? 
I did love her dress, and her lipstick. And her hair, and her date. 

Emma Stone is my new obsession. I just LOVE her and her fashion style. I know this big bow is not for everybody - but it reminded me of Nicole Kidmans dress (which I loved) from a few years back. Its a little bit french, very glamourous, and she nailed it with her sparkle clutch. Now if she would just marry Ryan Gosling (and make me her maid of honor) all would be right in the world. 

 Glenn close. Oh man! She was a contender for my WORST dressed person this year. There really is nothing to say except Id rather be stranded on a desserted island with your character from fatal atrraction than forced to wear that jacket in public. 

Mrs. Rippa, as usual I love your style! I LOVE this dress. The colors, neckline, cut, structure, fabric, EVERYTHING! Well done. 

 He he. I really cant look at Stacy without giggling. Maybe its because she is 7 feet tall....and her last name is Keibler. Like the Elves. He he.
Or maybe its because she had her ward laurel class construct her a huge sparkly flower, which she then glued to the widest part of her body. Then again, she does know her place as George Clooneys arm candy of the moment, and she stood there silently smiling towering over him as all of america placed bets as to how much longer they would last....

Octavia Spencer looked SPECTACULAR in this perfectly draped and expertly fitted dress from Tadashi. I am SO happy she won her Oscar this year because she was a GEM to look at. 

 I realiize I may be publicly stoned for this next comment...but I was not a fan of Jessica Chastain. All I could think was that her dress looked exactly like Mary Poppins' magic carpet bag. It looked like it weighed 100 pounds, which I am pretty sure is more than Jess weighs. I hate how overdone and garish the gold looks especially across her hips. Sorry. this dress belongs in a harem.

 Next up is Maya Rudolph. Sorry friend, but no amount of shape- wear could save this unfortunate prune colored number with the poorly placed waistband. Kudos for the coverage, but something less fitted would have been much more flattering.

 It pains me to type this, but Michelle Williams and her cutesy flouncy dress with the hideous crystal bow was one of my least favorites this year. I love me a cute peplum, but I just couldnt support the tutu made out of doily material that was again - wrapped around and around the widest part of her body! Why do these stick thin girls want to add volume to their bums? Ill never know....Just like Ill never know who talked her into wearing coral lipstick. Michelle - i demand you IMMEDIATELY fire your current avon rep. She has failed you. Miserably. ( Im too tried to verbally gag on her hot pink just be aware that it too was ugly. Thanks.)

What may I ask do we all think of Miss Rooney Mara???? Im still not sure myself. Ive never been so confused in my life. Is it a bra? Is it a dress? Is she adorable like Audrey Hepburn? Or did her awkward response to the "Is this like your superbowl" question make me hate her and every fiber of her "I take myself WAY too seriously" being?!  All I know is I loved her face. And her hair. And the fact that she wore white, and her body language was demure and sweet and I think we could be friends. And as her friend it would ne my job to inform her, that her boobs were very scary.

Kristen Wigg, The mor eI look at her and pictures of her the more I LOVE this dress. She has literally the ONLY body in hollywood that coudl have pulled off the fit of this gown. I think the color was unusual and new and I liked it. I loved her basic black nail polish with her emerald green ring. I think she styled her hair just right and overall looked edgy and cool, but classically put together too.

Oh dear. Mama Mia did Meryl Streep look bad! True she is an Icon and many of her movies are personal life long favorites of mine (out of africa, kramer vs kramer)....but this dress! This atrocious caesars palace bathrobe - was just unfortunate on every level. I half expected her to bust out into the "Cobra Dance" from Bride and Prejudice. I was really shocked she won the Oscar for best actress. I was sure Rooney Mara (or maybe Michele Williams) had it in the bag.

 (Sing with me now,) M-I-C see ya later! K-E-Y Why??? Because youre dress is ugly! Poor Natalie Portman. Apparently she robbed minnie mouse on her way to the Oscars. Really?? A red polka dot dress??? Nat could be mistaken for a 15 year old anyway, and this dress did her no favors. The only way this look could ever be deemed as even somewhat acceptable, would be if it were for a tupperware ad from 1956. She also had a bi-polar hairdo, which consisted of a 1930s finger wave on the right, and a slicked back bobby pin incident on the left. It was a  visual assault on all my senses and it took me an extra piece of bacon to recover from it.

 Oh geez, where do I start with Melissa McCarthy? The peachy nude The chiffon 3/4 length The too long dress I lived in fear of her tripping over all. night. long??? no. The worst part of this dress for me was the fact that it was very unfortunately ruched and draped...and then POOFED out with some type of hidden force field. I commend her for being somewhat modest, and I thought her hair and make up were GORGEOUS. I even appreciated the hardware on this dress. And I would have stood, alone in my home, with cheese dripping from my chin and bacon in my shout for joy at the top of my lungs if she had won the supporting actress oscar. But secretly I was glad she did not....because her big moment in time should not be in THIS dress. Remember Gwyneth in her unfortunate little pink number the year she won for Shakespeare in Love? The bubblegum color with the spaghetti straps that kept slipping off her shoulder?Now for the rest of her life when her Oscar is mentioned we have to be go blind all over again when they show us her picture. Really, not winning was a favor to Melissa! Maybe next year honey!

All I can say for Shailene Woodley is - 
Somewhere in the world is a naked grandma.  (Chase, that one's for you!)

 Tina Fey I love everything about you. Your serious midnight blue dress, your clean asian updo. No complaints from me on this one! And I am placing my vote now: Tina Fey to Host the Oscars!!!!

 Sandra! Did we learn nothing from Reese Barbiespoon at last years Oscars???? Just say NO TO THE HAIR EXTENSION PONY TAIL!!! This dress drove me crazy! i just wanted to staple the heck out of the top to pull it tight to make it fit right. I just do not enjoy seeing any part of someone elses armpits. Also dont even get me started on the weird salad/fern looking leaf structure wrapped around her waist.

Luckily for Sandra, by the time she arrived we had already nearly passed out in horror from having to look at  Viola Davis from The Help. For starters this dress was 2 sizes too small. And for another thing it was the color of the green giant. Which, come to think of it, was exactly what I referred to her as for the rest of the night. "Whos that, did she win? Who? Green giant? no, she lost."

 Mila Jovovich you russian goddess you. I think she looked FLAWLESS. And then she opened her mouth and described herself as a "virgin bride" and went on and on about how gorgeous and sleek and perfect and gorgeous she looked. And I almost had to  kill myself. PLEASE dont speak. EVER again. This is why you are such a good actress....because YOU are a disaster. Stick to being other people from now on!

And now: the MOMENT we've all been waiting for.
2012's WORST DRESSED SHOUT OUT GOES TO...... Jennifer Lopez!

Whos main goal in life is to see how very naked she can look without actually being naked! This dress literally looks like a coffee filter. Or something Vanna White wore in the 70's. Sheer dress, ridiculously voluminous hair, plunging V's in the front AND the back....and no shoulders??? Why does she have to have so much going on??? Which is a stark contrast to her career mind you. Which begs the question: what are you even doing at the Oscars??? oh yeah, flashing your boobs. got it. 

And dont hate....but for the second year in a row my Belle of the ball BEST DRESSED SHOUT OUT goes to:
Gwyneth Paltrow!

Whats not to love? It was a modern Jacki O. moment if you ask me. I loved the simplicity of it, the versatility of it. The fact that she looked feminine without resorting to layers upon layers of lace, shine, nudity, fluff, or sparkle to get my attention. I even liked her retro low slung hair do. If I ever go to the oscars I want to get ready with Gwyneth's stylists. Even though I dont want to work out for 3 hours a day to have her body. Well done Gwyneth. 

I could go on and on, but its late now and im sleep deprived as it is. I cant wait to hear what you all thought of this years show!


Emily said...

Oh Christy, besides cute bums riding down the street on scooters, these posts are my favorite! You make me laugh,dear. I almost texted you as I sat watching myself, just to comment on the dresses!

K.A.M. said...

I have seriously been waiting on pins and needles for this post, and it did not disappoint! I agree with most comments, although I just could not get behind Gwyneths Saturday style loose pulled back ponytail. I totally LOVED that French girls sea foam colored sparkeley dress. I could not take my eyes off it all night, it probably got to a creeper status, but what can I say she looked gorgeous! Thanks for always providing this little Oscar post gem every year :)

Scott said...

I've been waiting all week too. I almost sent you a text like 4 times and I don't even watch The Oscars. Anyway well done. I hated Cameron's hair too, come on now. Sandra Bullock's dress was horrible. I liked Melissa McCarthy's dress a lot athough you brought up good points, but overall I still thought that dress looked really good on her. For me I was glad she didn't win because do you really want an academy award for going diarrhea in a sink? I did not like Gweneth's hair at all. But I did like how it was simple like her dress. I don't know I like a good up do.

The Cannons said...

That was not Scott.

Alisa said...

Thank you thank you! I've been waiting for this post all week. Hilarious as usual. I love it.

Sherry said...

Oh, it was so worth the wait!!! I wait all year long for your next run down! I couldn't agree more with your assessment. You are so funny!!! I keep telling you that you need to write or do a sitcom.... seriously!