Goodness, I cant believe its been a week since the Oscars happened. I kept thinking about this post and the amount of uninterrupted time it would take to write it....which meant I kept putting it off. But alas, it is time. And so I say...let there be LIGHT:
Maybe Billy Crystal was to blame, but this years Academy Awards felt like the good ol days to me. There weren't any dirty underhanded jokes. Nobody took awkward personal moments on stage, dropped the f-bomb in their acceptance speech, or dressed up like a swan for the red carpet. All in all, it was a pretty mellow night. In fact, this might be my most boring Oscar post yet. But because I love you, and also because it is my innate nature, ill do my best to mock those who stand in desperate need of mocking.
So without further ado, I bring you:
Cameron "i forgot to fix my hair" Diaz.
Now, correct me if I am wrong, but this girl does have about a kajillion dollars, yes? And yet on perhaps her most important night out of the year, Cam opted to stick her sassy little head out the limo window on her way to the party in lieu of paying a couple hundred bucks to have a professional style her hair. From the neck down she looked alright, but I couldnt get over her casual coiff that just didnt match her super girly gown. And if im going to be nit picky (which you know I am....) Id also venture to say her man arms terrified me a little. This is a girl you dont ever want to get in a fight with. If she pulls your hair, you know its gonna hurt! I know a lot of people (read: guys) who just loooove Cameron's athletic down to earth persona. But personally for me, any girl who farts in public because they think its cute (Jenny Mccarthy are you listening???) just cant be my friend.
Next up: Starving Angelina. I almost couldnt believe my eyes when I saw her ghostly bones walk down the red carpet. It was like watching a daddy long leg spider - a little hypnotizing, a little terrifying. And then she ejected one emaciated thigh out of her dress and threw a jagged skeletal arm on what I assume was her bony little hip...in this ridiculous pose ALL NIGHT LONG! What did it mean? Why did she do it?
I did love her dress, and her lipstick. And her hair, and her date.
Emma Stone is my new obsession. I just LOVE her and her fashion style. I know this big bow is not for everybody - but it reminded me of Nicole Kidmans dress (which I loved) from a few years back. Its a little bit french, very glamourous, and she nailed it with her sparkle clutch. Now if she would just marry Ryan Gosling (and make me her maid of honor) all would be right in the world.
Glenn close. Oh man! She was a contender for my WORST dressed person this year. There really is nothing to say except Id rather be stranded on a desserted island with your character from fatal atrraction than forced to wear that jacket in public.
Mrs. Rippa, as usual I love your style! I LOVE this dress. The colors, neckline, cut, structure, fabric, EVERYTHING! Well done.
Or maybe its because she had her ward laurel class construct her a huge sparkly flower, which she then glued to the widest part of her body. Then again, she does know her place as George Clooneys arm candy of the moment, and she stood there silently smiling towering over him as all of america placed bets as to how much longer they would last....
Octavia Spencer looked SPECTACULAR in this perfectly draped and expertly fitted dress from Tadashi. I am SO happy she won her Oscar this year because she was a GEM to look at.
All I can say for Shailene Woodley is -
Somewhere in the world is a naked grandma. (Chase, that one's for you!)
Tina Fey I love everything about you. Your serious midnight blue dress, your clean asian updo. No complaints from me on this one! And I am placing my vote now: Tina Fey to Host the Oscars!!!!
Mila Jovovich you russian goddess you. I think she looked FLAWLESS. And then she opened her mouth and described herself as a "virgin bride" and went on and on about how gorgeous and sleek and perfect and gorgeous she looked. And I almost had to kill myself. PLEASE dont speak. EVER again. This is why you are such a good actress....because YOU are a disaster. Stick to being other people from now on!
And now: the MOMENT we've all been waiting for.
2012's WORST DRESSED SHOUT OUT GOES TO...... Jennifer Lopez!
Whos main goal in life is to see how very naked she can look without actually being naked! This dress literally looks like a coffee filter. Or something Vanna White wore in the 70's. Sheer dress, ridiculously voluminous hair, plunging V's in the front AND the back....and no shoulders??? Why does she have to have so much going on??? Which is a stark contrast to her career mind you. Which begs the question: what are you even doing at the Oscars??? oh yeah, flashing your boobs. got it.
And dont hate....but for the second year in a row my Belle of the ball BEST DRESSED SHOUT OUT goes to:
Whats not to love? It was a modern Jacki O. moment if you ask me. I loved the simplicity of it, the versatility of it. The fact that she looked feminine without resorting to layers upon layers of lace, shine, nudity, fluff, or sparkle to get my attention. I even liked her retro low slung hair do. If I ever go to the oscars I want to get ready with Gwyneth's stylists. Even though I dont want to work out for 3 hours a day to have her body. Well done Gwyneth.
I could go on and on, but its late now and im sleep deprived as it is. I cant wait to hear what you all thought of this years show!